Aside from the obvious example of the infamous ‘ex-boyfriend syndrome’, you might also become victim to such ailments as ‘creepy leather wearing man-friend, who inevitably you never meet, but who likes to phone your partner at five in the morning to discuss hair wax disease’ or that old favourite of mine ‘Mr. oh, he’s just a work-friend. I’m meeting him for drinks at 8′ syndrome.

All of these conditions when not managed correctly, can cause side effects such as ‘bruised knuckle’; ‘mulch tooth’ or much, much worse; ‘rage related cardiomyopathy’ and so naturally, lads, it is important to keep your coolness in check when dealing with these  lecherous filth bags. To do so, though, is not easy, but the first step comes in remembrance of the fact that in 99.9% of such cases, it is you and only you, who gets the cradle the subtle warmth of the bosom in question on a regular basis, and not the assembled in pursuit.

So bear that in mind the next time your lady love comes home to proclamate such a line as: ‘it started to get weird after the rohypnol thing’ or ‘I don’t know why you’re so het up, he’s Gay to me’… Good luck, man of iron.